Friday, August 26, 2016

24-Aug-2016 Session: Sex Position Reviews

OK, so a few new positions to review today.

On date night HotRod and Miss Kitty tried a few things Miss Kitty had seen while tumbling that looked like fun.

Reverse Cowgirl Variation
This was just a variation on leg positions within the Reverse Cowgirl genre. Miss Kitty may come back and add photos to illustrate, but for now, hopefully this makes it clear: Like Doggie Style, with HotRod lying on his back, legs straddled, and Miss Kitty sitting on his penis, leaning forward with hands and knees on the bed (doing all the work) rocking back and forth.
Pros: It provides a nice ass view, and is a lot less work that some other “woman on top” positions. Miss Kitty is very lazy in bed, and still didn’t get worn out too quickly. That’s saying something.
Cons: At first it seemed Miss Kitty was getting some nice clitoral stimulation against HotRod’s scrotum, but ultimately that didn’t prove very intense. Also, there really isn’t deep penetration on top without sitting up a bit straighter on top. Afterward, when asked how he liked it, HotRod summed it up with “That did nothing for me.”
Standing Backward Throat Fuck
Not sure what this position is actually called. But it involves Miss Kitty kneeling almost between HotRod’s legs, with her back to him, her head tilted backward with his penis in her mouth.
Pros: Looks really cool. If you’re just into throat fucking and love to try different variations—by all means, go for it. 
Cons: Awkward. Awkward. Awkward. Maybe if HotRod and Miss Kitty spent time working with it, it could fall into a rhythm? But seems unlikely. A lot of work for little pay off. Standard throat fuck positions, such as Miss Kitty kneeling facing HotRod’s penis, or Miss Kitty on her back with her head over the edge of the bed while HotRod stands facing her face and pounds away, both seem far more ergonomic in practice.
In the end, as always, give it a try if it sounds like something you’d be into. HotRod and Miss Kitty are all about comfort, though, so your goals may be different.

I’ll leave you with one of HotRod’s parting thoughts after date night: “Maybe the common sex positions are common for a reason?”



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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Relationships: Marriage and Gender Roles of the Dahomey Kingdom Tribes

As I mentioned in my post about the Nayar of India:
I was digging through some old papers and found a bit of research I’d done ages ago on the diversity of cultural understanding of marriage in the past and present. It made me curious to Google some of these societies and just compare it to what I’d written.
I think it's important to share things like this because European colonization of the globe lead to a lot of social/cultural homogenization that left modern folks confused about which aspects of human behavior are socially derived, and which biologically derived. This difference often doesn't matter, but when someone makes a presumption that life-time sexual exclusivity with a single monogamous partner is the normal/natural state of human beings--intending that this means we've evolved as monogamous beings--they're misunderstanding the history of how this was often forcibly spread about the globe, and the amazing variety of relationship and family types that thrived quite well in many other areas.
Particularly annoying is when people claim that monogamy in the nuclear family Western Civ sense is somehow better for bringing up children. In fact, there are many perfectly great working models for child rearing that have been utilized and continue to be utilized, around the world today. Our model is just one, and not even necessarily the most optimal.
It was actually just a small bit of my paper that led me to Google the information that follows. Here was all I had in my own research:
It is possible to find societies which recognize more than these three types of marriage [referring to prior discussion of man-woman monogamy, polygyny, and polyandry]. Among the Dahomey in Benin, West Africa, 13 types of marriage are recognized. The different unions are dependent upon the different economic relationships existing between the people involved.

Literally, that was it. I Googled "Dahomey" and here is what I came up with I felt was worth sharing:
Dahomey African kingdom (located in the area of the present-day country of Benin) that existed from about 1600 until 1894, when the last king, Behanzin, was defeated by the French, and the country was annexed into the French colonial empire.
Woman Marriage
There is a curious and ancient custom found among some of the Yoruba, Yagba, Akoko, Nupe, and Gana-Gana communities—that of a woman going through a regular form of matrimony with other women… a more striking example of this type of marriage is where a wealthy woman, who may or may not be normally married to a man, contracts a marriage with a young girl to whom she subsequently allows a cicisbeo to have access, the resultant children belonging to the female "husband". This is a common practice among the Yoruba, Nupe, Akoko, and Gana-Gana, and the female "husband" will even pay men to have connection with her young "wife". In some cases she exacts gifts of farm-service from cicisbei. All the ceremonial of marriage is observed in these marriages of women to women, and a bride-price is even paid to the young girl’s father. The usual rules of divorce apply. The legal "husband" can divorce her "wife" and recover her dowry, and if the young girl runs off with a man she can claim the resultant children as her own. The marriage of women to women is not regarded with disfavor, and the chiefs will even consent to their daughters being married in this way.
Citation: C.K. Meek, The Northern Tribes of Nigeria, vol. i, pp. 209-10.

As a side note, another interesting tradition in the Dahomey kingdom was that of the female warriors.
For the better part of 200 years, thousands of female soldiers fought and died to expand the borders of their West African kingdom. Even their conquerors, the French, acknowledged their "prodigious bravery."

Another interesting aside is that the Smithsonian article goes on to offer scholarly speculation about how the women warriors came to be. One idea is that they derived from women elephant hunters in the region, known as the “gbeto.”

I hope that information such as this is useful in helping people to questioning their potential ethnocentricy, so that they can see many of the issues we consider controversial in our own culture—women it the military, same-sex marriage, marriage makeup and child custody rights and parental obligations—are handled very differently in other areas of the world where what we think of as new, innovative, progressive or even, for some people, not normal (or even potentially harmful) for human beings, is embraced in other cultures as mundane and ordinary, or handled in vastly different ways than ours. Western Civ is not the only model of social structure and civilization. There are many other models that work and have worked for who knows how long into the past—about which many people in our very “educated” society are shamefully ignorant.

There is nothing wrong with opening our minds and thinking outside the box with regard to human social connections, love, families, relationships, intimacy, and what is “normal” or “natural” for human beings. Far too many  people have opinions on these issues supported by extremely few data points. And fear of things that are not harmful, but merely different, can create situations where people are often unnecessarily oppressed or unjustifiably stigmatized.

I’d like to play a small part if helping people achieve happiness in their relationships. And part of that includes educating folks so that they aren’t unnecessarily concerned about things that really aren’t anything to be worried about.

Be happy. Be yourself. Don't let fear hold you back from living and allowing others to live.


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Friday, August 19, 2016

HotRod's Back in the Driver's Seat

Finally, finally, finally, HotRod is back in town. I was sooo excited for date night. And part way through he decided to grab my iPad mini and take a few shots of his own. He actually has a pretty nice digital camera, but we were at my place, and options were limited. But we managed to squeeze off a few fun shots. He's getting a little more into the tumblr feed and the blog. I'd love to see him get more into expressing himself here and trying his hand at some writing, because he's actually very sexually imaginative and creative--much more so than I am.

So, we started goofin' and snapped some shots. They won't win photography awards, but it's more about the fun. It's fun to take sexy photos, even if they're just snapshot quality. It's fun to share them out online to strangers for kicks. It makes date night a little more spicy. I mean, for example, I saw my favorite boutique has bunny tails on sale. For me this would be pure novelty. And HotRod would bust up laughing. But I know we'd do it, and it would be a blast. For me, laughing during sex (with, not at) is a good thing. HotRod makes me laugh. And I love that.

But here are some of the shots I can share--again, always try and keep the blog more of a PG-13 to R, not so much XXX. If you want to see it all, you'll have to visit the tumblr to view the feed. It's not just HotRod and Miss Kitty, though. I share out other blog posts from people on my feed who post anything and everything to do with sex and sexuality. If it's sexy, interesting, erotic, sensual, hot, fun, you name it. If it strikes me as sexy, I reblog it. Strangely, though I'm a cishet woman, I find that most of what I love to view and share is other women. It's not that I don't find the male physique attractive. I do. But I like to look at women--even myself. I remember once watching a video HotRod took of him masturbating me. We watched it together some time later, and I commented that it turned me on to see it. He said "but that's you." Yeah, that's me. And I know exactly how all of that feels, and remember it and thinking about it was very arousing. It doesn't make me want to have sex with those women. It makes me imagine it's me.

Anyway, here you go. I loe this first one, because HotRod is my favorite thing and a fantastic partner. This shoots off all the good chemistry in my head when I see him, because, to me, he's the sexiest man on the planet. I often tell him this, as well. "How did I ever get so lucky to wind up dating the sexiest man on the planet?" He doesn't believe me, but that's because he doesn't see what I see. Probably a lot of people won't see what I see. And that's fine. I can live with that.

So, the first one, just wow--for  me. And the next one, HotRod said his hand looks like "a big ol' bear paw" on my hands. I love it.

I hope to see a lot more HotRod images to come. But the rest are more what HotRod likes to see. He likes to see things like this...

And like this...

He's also got a thing for butts. I've never been one of those women with an ass that just won't quit. But HotRod makes me feel like he thinks my ass is just fine the way it is....

Except maybe on this image. Here we disagreed. He thought I'd want to throw it away. On the contrary, I think it looks juicy and curvy and, well, let's call it "robust." But I like it. Opinions may vary. And again, I can live with that.

But that's all I've got that's safe for the blog. Again, more is available if you want to come stop by the tumblr blog. We're also on twitter, but that's also just expressions of sex and sexuality in a slightly tamer format. Just depends on your preferences. More talk? More imagery? More quick thoughts?

Just remember to express your sexy self!


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Thursday, August 18, 2016

Relationships: The Nayar of India

I was digging through some old papers and found a bit of research I’d done ages ago on the diversity of cultural understanding of marriage in the past and present. It made me curious to Google some of these societies and just compare it to what I’d written.

I think it's important to share things like this because European colonization of the globe lead to a lot of social/cultural homogenization that left modern folks confused about which aspects of human behavior are socially derived, and which biologically derived. This difference often doesn't matter, but when someone makes a presumption that life-time sexual exclusivity with a single monogamous partner is the normal/natural state of human beings--intending that this means we've evolved as monogamous beings--they're misunderstanding the history of how this was often forcibly spread about the globe, and the amazing variety of relationship and family types that thrived quite well in many other areas.

Particularly annoying is when people claim that monogamy in the nuclear family Western Civ sense is somehow better for bringing up children. In fact, there are many perfectly great working models for child rearing that have been utilized and continue to be utilized, around the world today. Our model is just one, and not even necessarily the most optimal.

Cultures like the Nayar challenge these assumptions and stereotypes in a way that can encourage other options which may work better for people, depending upon their situations. And with that, I give you a very small nugget for consideration.

From my old research, a section about the Nāyar/Nair of India:
Here, a young girl should go through a four-day ceremony (which marks her status as a married adult) that connects her to a man, her “ritual husband.” A necklace with a pendant is placed on her, showing that she is, in the Nayar sense of the word, “married.” But she’s not going to settle down with her “husband” to start a family. Instead, she now can, and is expected to, have many lovers, or “visiting husbands,” come to see her in the “great house” (the place where her mother’s family looks after her). It is uncommon for a visiting husband to sleep with her more than one night in a row.
As long as the girl has been ritually married, her children are considered legitimate; if she gives birth before the ceremony, she is punished. So, the ritual husband has nothing to do with her family unit, but he is absolutely necessary to legitimizing her children.
Citation: Edgar Gregersen, Sexual Practices, The Story of Human Sexuality (New York: Franklin Watts, 1983), p.130

So, I went online and sought out further information on the Nayar, and here are some other sources and their descriptions:
Marriage and Family
Marriage customs among the Nayars have evoked much discussion and controversy in India among both jurists and social scientists. There was considerable subregional variation as well as variation by subcaste and family prestige. Details presented here refer to south Malabar and the former Cochin State. There were two kinds of marriage: talikettu kalyanam (tali [necklet]-tying ceremony); andsambandham (the customary nuptials of a man and woman). The tali-tying ceremony had to be held before puberty and often the ceremony was held for several girls at the same time to save on expenses. Depending on the group the tali could be tied by a member of a linked lineage (often two Nayar Lineages that frequently intermarried were linked to one another and called enangar lineages), by a member of a higher subcaste of Nayars, by one of the matrilineal Ambilavasi (temple servant) castes, or by a member of a royal lineage. By the mid-1950s, it became common for some girls to have the tali tied by their mothers. It is still controversial as to whether this ceremony was ever a formal marriage or if originally it was simply an age-grade ceremony, since it often included a large number of girls ranging in age from 6 months to 12 or 14 years. Women did observe formal mourning practices for the men who tied their talis, and in some instances—for example, if the girl was close to puberty—it was possible that the Marriage might be consummated during this ceremonial period. How often this occurred is unknown. By contrast, sambandan involved a man having a "visiting husband" relationship with a woman. While such relationships were considered to be marriages by the woman's family, especially when they occurred with males of higher subcastes or castes, the males tended to view the relationships as concubinage. Traditionally Nayar women were allowed to have more than one "visiting husband" either simultaneously or serially.
Unlike most Hindus, Nāyars traditionally were matrilineal. Their family unit, the members of which owned property jointly, included brothers and sisters, the latter’s children, and their daughters’ children. The oldest man was legal head of the group. Rules of marriage and residence varied somewhat between kingdoms.
Between the 16th and 18th centuries, Nāyars in the central kingdoms of Calicut, Walluvanad, Palghat, and Cochin had highly unusual marriage customs that have been much studied. Before puberty a girl ritually married a Nāyar or a Nambūdiri Brahman. The husband could visit her (but was not obliged to); in some cases ritual divorce immediately followed the ceremony. After puberty the girl or woman could receive a number of visiting husbands of her own or a higher caste. Nāyar men might visit as many women of appropriate rank as they chose. Women were maintained by their matrilineal groups, and fathers had no rights or obligations in regard to their children.

- MK

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Friday, August 12, 2016

Amusing Myself without HotRod

So, still amusing myself with the ipad mini camera, waiting for my playmate to get home. It's his last night out of town. So, posted some tumblrs to give him something sexy to think about for when he's back. I think I deserve a reward for creativity. But maybe I'll just get a spanking for being naughty?

our tumblr anytime. It's not just my pics there. I post a lot of interesting reblogged materials. Such a variety of sexuality expressed there. I love it.

So, broke out the garter girdle, the lace bordered panties, the silky bra with lace touches, the stockings and pumps, and had a grand ol' time just taking selfies! If you haven't done it yourself, try it.

For you, HotRod!


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Bored Little Kitty

So HotRod was away this week. And even though Miss Kitty is a free agent, I just haven't met anyone who interests me in a bit. I've been on a few dates, but nothing came of them. And while it's a nice distraction, it's not a substitute for real play time, which I miss.

Without going into too much detail, there are some limitations on sexy contact while he's away. But I discovered a nice workaround that might work for others in similar situations. If you have no restrictions on sexting or long-distance contact, then you're not necessarily the person who is going to benefit from this, but it worked for me, and will, I'm sure, for some others.

I decided to update the tumblr every other night for HotRod's benefit. Don't get me wrong. I still updated for myself--all the things I love, like corsets. But I'm also trying to think of what HotRod may like to see while he's all on his lonesome. He's certainly adult enough to Google his own porn. But there's an added intimacy, when I am picking out the sexy pics to share with him. It's my way of silently saying "You like this, don't you?" and hoping he enjoys it as much as I expect he will. Just a little something sexy shared between partners.

So during the week I tumbled the sexy shoes, which I added to the blog as well recently. And then just the other night I posted a series of other images, such as...


I don't pretend to be any good at photography--and honestly, these were just taken with the iPad mini, which has a super dark screen, which results in images that are washed-out looking because I spend a lot of energy lightening them. But they're simple, candid shots, on the fly. HotRod's the man who loves to take photos. I just did these for fun times with my partner, and shared them out for anyone who was interested or got a rise out of candid sexy selfies--even if they're not great photos.

But I guess that's part of the overall point. I don't have to have a body that won't quit in order to be sexy. Sexy isn't about how you look as much as how you feel. And sexy to your partner--well, that's unique to them as well. It doesn't matter to me that they're not centerfold quality, just that they're sufficient to share and have fun with. People need to lighten up about how they look and get their sexy on, and have a good time. If you enjoy it, do it. If someone doesn't like it, they can go look at something they like more. No harm, no foul.

Anyway, my two cents: You only live once, so live like you understand that.


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Monday, August 8, 2016

The Sexy Shoes Post

There are a lot of things that make individuals feel sexy. And no two people are alike. I've asked many people "What is sexy?" And I'm not sure I've ever gotten the same answer from any two people. I will say, though, that a number of people I've asked have included something about "attitude" in their answers.

It seems a lot of folks have the view that sex appeal is something more on the inside than the outside. But the outside is how we express those internal states to others. Our attitude is expressed in our appearance.

For me, this means lingerie and heels, but for others it could mean cut off shorts and hiking boots. There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to how to express yourself. But tonight I decided I wanted to pull out my shoes that I think of when I think "sexy shoes." It will probably be mundane to most, but here is what makes me feel sexy:

My platform peep-toe Spring-time floral fabric pumps:

My patent leather pumps (I have these in both red and black):

My basic black ankle-strap open-toe stilettos:

My casual sandal-top wedges:

My black formal wedges with jewel detail:

And for good measure, let me throw in my cowgirl boots, because cowgirls are just plain ol' sexy:

I should also note that sexy toes are a huge turn on for me. I'm actually pretty fond of my own toes.

But HotRod's toes are a massive turn on for me. When I'm allowed access to them, it's sheer heaven. And I'm not sure what's sexier, those perfect toes, or that fantastic belly button. Maybe one day, if this blog gets a following I'll do a poll? ;)


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Sunday, August 7, 2016

Twitter and Tumblr Feeds

Since I've only just started on Twitter and Tumblr, it's interesting to me to see what sorts of posts get activity on my page. I find that I get more activity on Tumblr than Twitter, likely because Tumblr is more visual and less text-based. I think it's just easier to process images on the fly, rather than text. If you see it and you like it, you know right away. But on a feed where there is post after post of text, the only way to know if you like it is to read it. This makes me wonder if Twitter posts with images are more likely to garner activity?

The one time I posted a tweet with a graphic, it did seem to generate a bit of interest, and I saw a bump on the blog as well for the article on wax play, although it got no love on the original Twitter post. The only tweet so far to get much love (considering I only got into double digit followers in the past week), was a quote about gratitude and friendship.

Meanwhile on Tumblr, it's a bit of a different story. The posts generate a lot more feedback, but not as many followers. I started both accounts at roughly the same time, but the Twitter account is up to 15 now, and the Tumblr is at 9--and I actually lost a follower there. Ironically I posted an image that aligned with their Tumblr interest and tagged them. It was shortly after that I lost them as a follower, which may be coincidental, but I can't help but wonder.

My "Top Post" on Tumblr is a photo HotRod took of me in one of my corsets, in black-and-white, doing a retro/pinup pose. It's garnered seven notifications.

I actually think that people on Tumblr enjoy the homespun selfies. Last night I gained two followers, which is huge considering I was down to 7 from 8 since I lost the one. So what happened last night on my Tumblr? Well, HotRod was out of town, and I decided to post some selfies so he could visit the Tumblr account and see what I'd put there for him. Just a few seductive poses in my stockings and lacy panties and heels. Three people seemed to like the images, but two particularly. And weirdly, the two new followers were not the two new people who showed love to these images. The series itself was tres tame, not only for Tumblr, but also for the Hotrod-MissKitty Tumblr. Cropped just a bit to make it safer for the blog, it was only a series of images like so:

I may be in for a good week, because I'm not due to see HotRod for a week and a half. Assuming further "sexy selfies" perform even half as well as these few, I'll hit double digits by the time he's back in town.

I guess if nothing else, it's fun. And that should be the point of anything we do in life, to maximize happiness for ourselves and allow others to do the same.


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Thursday, August 4, 2016

Simple Tip for Easing into Anal Play

So, here's my confession. Although I enjoy anal sex and anal play, I'm squeamish about "giving" far more so than receiving (which I actually enjoy). This made me feel somewhat restricted and ungenerous as a lover, because the one time I actually did rim HotRod with a finger during oral, he made a clear point of telling me afterward how much he enjoyed it. I wanted to be able to give someone as much pleasure as they were willing to give me, but that didn't seem to help me overcome my feelings of visceral discomfort about penetrating a partner anally.

So, this is how I was able to problem-solve to address both my anxious feelings, which restricted me and resulted in regret that I was holding back on something I wanted to do, and also address my partner's desire to get as good as he gives when it comes to anal play and stimulation.

On the one "hand"--no pun intended--I felt self-conscious with the idea of surgical gloves; but on the other, I just have never been able to make myself comfortable with the idea of anal play bare-handed. Oddly, I don't mind when I'm receiving. I am completely aware my aversion is not rational. In my case it's completely emotional. And if I could just "get over it," I would. But that hasn't happened. So, intervention, not wishful thinking, was needed. It was time for me to stand up and own it.

That being said, I lit up at the grocery store a few weeks ago when I was looking for a product in the pharmacy section and found these baby finger condoms: Flent's Finger Covers. Seriously--I'd never seen these before; but then, I'd never looked for or needed something like this. I was surprised but also thought they were somewhat funny considering what I immediately thought of using them for. I don't recall now if I bought them immediately or waited till next trip to the store to pick them up, but part of it was the self-douting script in my head "Will I be brave enough to actually pull them out in front of my partner and use them?" They're not exactly an item that screams "spontaneity!" There was no way to open a box and slide on one of these babies discreetly and unnoticed. It was an action I was going to have to step up and own like a boss.

While it was true it meant owning my irrational feelings, it also meant showing my partner that I did want to be more bold and, if not overcome, at least try and mitigate my personal insecurities in this area.

So, last night on date night, I was being guided into oral, and I stopped and simply said, "I bought something." Just saying it made me smile, and he knew it was something fun. So, I pulled them out, and he laughed with me. Apparently someone had bought them for him once as a joke--the idea being he should use them as condoms. But he completely understood my meaning with them, and I admitted why I'd bought them, and that I couldn't wait to finally be able to engage as I'd wanted to, without trepidation.

On his end, if he had any reservations or issues with it, he seemed completely comfortable, which is one of the things I enjoy about him--his openness and acceptance. His attitude encourages and emboldens me.

But technically speaking, "finger condoms" are exactly that. You put it on the tip of your finger and roll it down, exactly as you would put on a condom--except that you won't need a reservoir tip. Be aware they aren't lubricated, so you'll need to bring your favorite personal lubricant to the table. In fact, if you don't keep lubricant handy, why not?! I can't remember ever saying "Darn! I wish we didn't have lubricant on hand." But if you've ever not had it when you wanted it...

At any rate, here is one pulled out of the package, with a pen for scale:

And here it is slipped onto one finger:

Lesson Learned: I recommend to go ahead and put one on the index and middle finger to start, because that will be much easier than putting one on the middle finger after you've started and had the bright idea "I think two fingers would be better here."

Go on, and slap on two of these puppies, add lubricant, and you're good to go, assuming your partner isn't allergic to latex! And you might want to ask about that before you "go too deep." If there are any issues with standard latex, you can actually buy these in other materials, such as Nitrile. There is also something called a "counting" finger cot that is textured a bit like a thimble, which might spice things up a little if it's textured enough and your partner is sensitive? If you want more stimulation from your finger cover, there are even covers designed specifically for sexy time. And, they come in colors! There's probably a near-infinite market of what is, or could be, designed in this area.

At any rate, if you're slightly shy about diving into anal play, this could be a useful product to help you segue into new areas of fun and pleasure for your partner.


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Monday, August 1, 2016

Relationships: Being Alike is not the Same as Being Compatible

So, I am a cishet woman on a dating site where I’ve been active on-and-off for almost two years. It’s been a very positive experience and I’ve met many interesting people.

One of the things that fascinated me about the site users early on, was the diversity of things they were looking for, and how many people identified my situation as one that would fit well for them, based on what they wanted in their own lives. Despite the variety of backgrounds and situations, I seemed to be legitimately well-suited to many people and situations. Just a few examples included a man that was 10 years younger who was looking for a partner to help him complete his sexual bucket list while he was between girlfriends; a man who was ashamed of his fetish and looking for someone to help him practice it privately; a man who was in an open marriage who was looking for a partner to take on regular weekend business trips; a man who was recently divonrced, not emotionally ready to start seriously dating again, but very lonely and looking for romantic companionship. There were more, but these were a few of the people who contacted me, with whom I saw a real potential for connection and mutual benefit. What I loved about these connections and offers was that it showed me things about myself that I wasn’t necessarily unaware of, but perhaps unaware they were specific to me. Every time I was told that this-or-that was not a common trait, from these men I engaged, I began to see that I was, like them, an individual with specific attributes of my own. I learned about myself when I listened to their expressions and perceptions about me. Things I had taken for granted as unimportant or mundane, took on new life as unique and special aspects of my personality. And I enjoyed discovering each of these enlightenments.

As an aside, and perhaps a separate post for another day, I also received contact from only a few religious people who felt it was their place to use a dating site to offer unsolicited advice and judgments in misguided and boundary-impaired attempts to save me from my human sexuality. The most memorable was a much older man who identified as Catholic, who suggested I should learn to love myself. I felt this was ironic, as he was suggesting I should reject a core part of myself, my human sexuality, as a means to better accept myself. So, he suggests I should reject myself to accept myself, because his religion has infused him with a warped sense of human nature and human sexuality and distorted in his mind the human sexual experience. Weirdly, he is the person who can’t accept himself or others as human beings, but presumes to lecture me on self-love and self-acceptance.

At any rate, getting back on track, I ended up dating a few people from the site, and after some time ended up just seeing HotRod. I was fine with this situation, either way—being solely with one partner with which I was satisfied, or being with multiple partners I enjoyed. For me, as long as I feel my emotional and physical needs are being met, along with those of my partner or partners, I’m comfortable. After I began a twice weekly schedule with HotRod, I decided that, for my life situation, this was sufficient, and I shut down my dating profile. When our situation changed and we had to cut back to one night a week, I reopened the profile to find a person to fill the one-night-per-week slot that had now opened. However, this time, I had a different experience, and the responses were not as interesting or exciting to me. In fact, many of the people who contacted me did so without any real specific message or indication they understood what I was looking for, and with no real detail about how they thought I’d fit into their life situations.

Because of this, I decided to begin focusing on some time and resource intensive projects I’d been putting off, rather than invest in a new relationship. After initiating one of the biggest projects, I soon realized that two partners in addition to this work would be ambitious. And as I’m a very low-energy person, I felt it would not be fair to engage someone knowing that I couldn’t guarantee much time or attention. So, I decided to pull the profile.

Literally, on the day I logged in to shut it back down, I saw a message from someone whose profile I’d noticed and checked previously. Someone I’d been interested in contacted me with interest of their own. Curious as to why I hadn’t reached out to them, I took a look at their profile and their question answers. But I found nothing objectionable. This could indicate my own fickle nature, or it could be that the gentleman had reviewed my profile and deleted any perceived deal-breakers from his own. While I personally would find this unpalatable, people do it. It’s a reality. I’d rather connect with people who are compatible, than people who pretend to be someone else in order to seem compatible. But that’s just me and others may feel differently and not mind.

So, I returned the contact and we met. We went out three times before I realized we were “too compatible” for things to work out. In fact, our match rate was 95%. While this sounds fantastic, the problem is that there are some metrics that only work when partners are different, and fail when they are the same. For example, too highly submissive people, while they may be highly aligned in attitudes and views, would not work well as dating partners, as they work better with dominant partners who can provide the dynamic they that better complements them.

Please don’t misunderstand when I call myself "submissive" or HotRod "dominant". We are not D/s in any serious sense of the phrase, and I don’t want to misrepresent myself as something I’m not. I support D/s and any consensual sexual activities between competent people that promote freedom and happiness. But out of respect for the D/s community, I do not wish to mislead anyone with my language into believing I am part of a demographic that has specific concerns and interests that don’t actually apply to me. And I cannot speak as one of them. I only mean that generally HotRod leads, and I follow. This works, because I am a very indecisive and low-motivation personality that requires direction. I enjoy sex. I enjoy experimentation. I sometimes find things that I bring to the table and ask “would you like to try this?” But in general, 90% of the time, HotRod is the one driving. I am more lazy and don’t view his behavior as controlling. It’s more that he enjoys putting in the energy and effort I’m not equipped or inclined to. Without his contribution of imagination and motivation, our sex life wouldn’t be much. He has clearly expressed he never wants to push me into anything I am not comfortable doing, and I have told him that if there is anything I’m not OK doing, I will let him know. And beyond that, we just proceed and enjoy our experiences together, and it works very well for us. We have never yet, even been in a situation where a safe word would be necessary.

So, when I met this most recent personprobably the last person I’ll be meeting from the online site before I turn off the profile again—one of the things I asked at the initial meeting was “what role would I be expected to fill in your life? What are you looking for in a partner?” This does not mean I will conform to any role. It means, “Can you explain what you expect from a new partner, so that I can determine whether or not I can provide what you need, and whether or not I’ll get enough out of it to enjoy myself as well?” His response was very reasonable and also open-ended. He wanted to cultivate intimate relationships with others in the hopes of finding people to either be friends or lovers. He wasn’t focused so much on the form such connections would take, as simply exploring options. I explained to him that I required dominant partners, and that I consider myself to be quite submissive in sexual relationships. But even after that, the conversation didn’t really go in a sexual direction.

Now, while some may think that a first meeting seems soon to enter a conversation on sexuality, it really isn’t for me to say when another person should or should not broach this. But for me, the type of partner I’m interested in will broach this early on and not be shy about it—or take my mention of it as an invitation to engage on the subject. When I connected with the gentleman who had a bucket list agenda, for example, he raised me in chat very quickly after we had exchanged favorable messages, to check with me about what I would or would not be comfortable doing. He was extremely straight-forward and direct about what he wanted, but also respectful about letting me know clearly that he did not expect me to engage in anything I didn’t wish to. He was simply asking what I would be interested in trying with him, and setting the boundaries and the agenda from there. I was appreciative of his respect and clear communication. But for me, once I've established mutual attraction and that we’re both interested in sex, the next logical step is to discuss what we both expect and desire from the experience.

I am not suggesting as a general rule that anyone take this route. I’m not saying it’s the best route or the only route. I’m simply saying that, for me, it’s helpful and what I need. It lets me know I can trust that this is a partner who can direct the interaction in fun and interesting ways, without disregarding my own agency and satisfaction. And that’s exactly what he was like in person and in bed.

I didn’t bring up sexual topics with this latest person, however, beyond what I'd mentioned in our first meeting. That was purposeful of me. At the end of our third meeting, I noted we seemed to dialog more on social ideology, and connect there, than on a romantic or sexual level. He very civilly pointed out that he had offered several topics (although, I should note they touched on mundane areas of life, such as hobbies and family), but that social ideology was the one I seemed to respond to most robustly. He was right. And I told him as much. But again, it demonstrated that this was our dynamic. Of the topics he raised, this was the one that most interested me. Had he raised the topic of sex, I’d have been interested in that as well, and he would have gotten similar positive reaction. We could have had a conversation on sexuality that helped me to better understand what he expects from a partner, and what I could expect from him in that regard.

But he didn’t broach the topic of sex. Could I have? Of course. No one was stopping me. But that would defeat my purpose: I’m specifically seeking a partner who is sexually assertive (which is different than sexually aggressive, which is something I don't like). I work best with men who are not shy broaching this with me directly. I will not work well with men who are not inclined to take charge in this area and direct it. I wasn’t blaming him for a lack of sexual conversation or direction. I was merely observing that he and I were both submissive in regard to broaching sexuality, both waiting for the other to “make that move.” I can’t speak to how that works for him, but for me, that won’t work. It’s a bit like two children wanting to play a game of cops and robbers, while neither wishes to take on the role of robber.

He said he really didn’t want to control his intimate relationships and wouldn’t know how. This was one of the epiphany moments for me, where I realized that I need and want those parameters that he was telling me he wasn’t able to create—that he didn’t even know “how” to go about creating them. It made me realize that the partners I’d been interested in weren’t really “creating” parameters, so much as coming into the situation with goals and expectations and agent desires of their own. I realized I use their expectations as a starting point to ask myself, “Would this be fun and satisfying for me? Would I enjoy participating in this?” And we proceed from there. I explained that none of these men was “controlling.” They were, in fact, respectful. Otherwise, I'd have rejected them immediately. But had I not fit into their situations, they’d have been very cordial in letting me know and moving on to someone who works better for them. I would never be with anyone who tried to apply coercion (physical or emotional) to make me do anything I didn’t wish to do. But I still require structure from a partner. I require direction. I require their imagination and vision. And if my date had been critical of me for this, he’d have been critical of himself as well, because he was expressing the same thing: That he had no expectations or vision of what he needed or wanted, and that the person he engages needs to bring that to the table and provide that for the relationship.

We weren’t compatible, ironically, because we were too much alike.


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